So drunk its hurt
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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