Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
