You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
