Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
