peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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