I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
