that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
