I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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