bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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