you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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