I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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