i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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