history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
