So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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