Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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