I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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