if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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