I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
