If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
