She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
