I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
