Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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