I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
