ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She made me pour olive oil on her.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
