Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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