Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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