I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
