apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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