I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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