So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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