If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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