Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
