Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
