hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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