Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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