I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
