The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
