the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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