If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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