I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
