if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
