Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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