I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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