I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
