I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
