The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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