I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
