There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
