Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
