Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
