I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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