New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
