I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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