how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
