I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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