I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
false alarm. still invincible.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
